Separation
noun \ˌse-pə-ˈrā-shən\
a : a point, line, or means of division
b: an intervening space
As many of you may already know, after a twelve year M/s relationship and a marriage that lasted for more than a decade, Jim and I separated earlier this year. We are now living in different homes, with different people, forging new relationships with others and with each other.
While the term separation clearly defines a space between objects, what it doesn’t convey is what fills that gap between two people. For Jim and I, that gap, as it grew, was filled with a sense of rage and jealousy, a sense of betrayal and abandonment, and a lot of misunderstanding.
You may have seen dramatic behavior between the two of us, caused by all of the miserable things that filled that ever widening gap and our unsuccessful attempt to hold onto each other despite the chasm that was growing.
We hurt, and in hurting, hurt each other, sometimes inadvertently and sometimes on purpose.
The pain of loving each other, of missing each other, has not yet subsided for either of us, and may never do so. We talk about it almost daily, how much we wish things had happened differently. But they didn’t. The lashing out that comes from that pain seems to have blessedly ceased. Jim knows that I will always be here for him, and I know that he will always be there for me. Our love for each other has not changed. Beyond that, we take things one day at a time.
Oh, the things that I have learned….about people, about vulnerability, about trust, about concepts like forever.
Our relationship has changed immensely over the past few months. We have no plans to divorce now or at any time in the future. We also have no plans to reconcile. We see each other on a regular basis and consider each other friends…friends and so much more. But not partners, not lovers, not a couple. I’ve known Jim for more than half of my life and lived, willingly and happily, under his control since shortly after I became an adult. In that regard, I molded myself to be as close to what he wanted as possible, happy and warm in that role. . An M/s relationship is not built in a day, and even when the warmth of that relationship is yanked away, the chains that bind it do not unravel quickly. I could write you novels about the methods and sorrows and difficulties of building and breaking down a sense of slavery.
Not only has my relationship with Jim changed immensely over the past few months, but so has my life.
All these changes have required me to give up the comfort and security of my beloved animals, saying goodbye to the dogs who had become family for me and who I literally spent all day, every day with. I moved out of my home, my place of safety and belonging. The comfort that I felt in the knowledge that I was someone’s someone was suddenly gone. And as I found myself barren of all things I had known, I found exactly what I didn’t know I needed.
In the beginning of this transition I had this idea that I came to Jim twelve years ago, hopeless and empty, and that I left my M/s relationship with him having reverting back to that horrible place. But I’ve been given a place to heal and flourish by a wonderful man who has helped me see all of the good things that I carry with me from my past relationship. He uses methods that are new to me to nourish both my mental well being and my emotional masochism. He has shown me that I have the strength to go on and he has helped me find some invaluable things, like the opportunity to rebuild my self confidence, the ability to recognize that I have supportive friends and family, and the knowledge that self-worth doesn’t come from others, but from within. Would I have come to that place with out his help? Possibly, probably….but it has been wonderful to have a friend and support system on this journey, and being bolstered has certainly sped up the process.
In addition, my life has changed in one major way – through his family, I am a parent now, raising two young boys, and where I used to laze about in the morning I am now busy making lunches, helping tie shoes, and teaching values and life lessons on the way to the bus stop. The student has become the teacher, and I find myself passing on the knowledge that Jim gave me about responsibility, work ethic, maturity, and love.
But although some things have changed, much has stayed the same.
My commitment to my community remains steadfast. Although I may smile less right now (and that is quickly changing), you will still find me volunteering as a director at GD2, both behind the scenes and at the club itself. I’m still incredibly dedicated to creating Locus and providing opportunities for people to express and embrace their sex-positive, kinky selves. BDSM still excites me, forms the basis for my new relationship, and fulfills me.
I’m also still incredibly committed to educating others in the kink community. Through education we find the freedom to be ourselves and the ability to be authentic. Jim and I taught together for more than a decade on a variety of edge play topics, sharing the knowledge we had gathered together, and although he is no longer interested in being an educator, it is still something I am incredibly passionate about and will continue doing. MagisterNodi and I have taught together several times and are excited to share our knowledge with others at our upcoming classes.
Where an old life ends, a new life begins.
Thanks to all of my friends who have graciously given me their support during this difficult time. Many of you have reached out to ask me how I am doing, to let me know you are there, and even when I haven’t been able to respond, you’ve continued to reach out, proving that I am not alone. You can stop asking if I’m ok (I know you won’t and I love you for it!), because I am, and then some.